Lord Love a Lutheran

March 11, 2013 § Leave a comment

Understatement of the century: “It’s not in the nature of Lutherans to brag.” In fact, it’s our 11th Commandment. But we do love Lutheran jokes.

You Might Be A Lutheran If… 

…peas in your tuna noodle hotdish add too much color.

….you think a meeting isn’t legitimate unless it’s at least three hours long.

…you make change in the offering plate for a ten.

…you think butter is a spice.

…you have more than five flavors of Jell-O in your pantry.

…doughnuts are in the official church budget.

…they have to rope off the last pews in church so the front isn’t empty.

…you’re watching “Star Wars” in the theatre and when they say, “May the force be with you,” you reply, “and also with you.”

…you can say the meal prayer all in one breath.

…Bach is your favorite composer just because he was Lutheran, too.

…you hesitate to clap for the church choir or special music because “it just wasn’t done that way in the old days.”

…you only serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season.

…rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you check their name out in the guestbook.

…you have your wedding reception in the fellowship hall and feel guilty about not staying to help clean up.

…your LCMS pastor refers to St. Louis as “the holy city.”

…you’re at an evangelistic rally and you actually manage to raise your hands waist high.

…the only mealtime prayer you know is “Come Lord Jesus, Be our guest, and let this food to us be blessed.” (That’s why you can say the meal prayer in one breath.)

…you and your family of six squeeze into the last pew along with the 140 members already sitting there.

…a midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one.

…the pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly 60 minutes.

…you don’t make eye contact when passing someone in the hall because you think it’s impolite.

…in response to someone jumping up and shouting “Praise the Lord!”, you politely remind him or her that we don’t do that around here.

…your mother could give any Jewish mother a run for the money in the guilt department.

…you think lime Jell-O with cottage cheese and pineapple is a gourmet salad.

…you think that an ELCA Lutheran bride and an LCMS groom make for a “mixed marriage.”

…your congregation’s first two operating rules are “Don’t change” and “Don’t spend.”

…every time something changes, the old one was better.

…you freeze the leftover coffee from fellowship hour for next week.

…you think you’re paying your pastor too much if he gets a new car for the first time in eight years.

…you hear something really funny and smile as loud as you can.

…you feel guilty about not feeling guilty.

…change means wearing your brown suit instead of your blue suit to church.

…you read your Catechism and start arguing theology with yourself because no one else is around.

…you know all the words to the first verse of “Silent Night” in German but don’t understand a word of it.

…you have an uncontrollable urge to sit in the back of any room.

When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbequing beef every Friday. Since they couldn’t eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole. “Ole,” they said, “since you are the only Lutheran in this whole town and there’s not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic.” Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right. Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it.

The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole’s head and said, “Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now,” he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole’s head, “now you are a Catholic!”

Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Ole’s yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: “You were born a beef, you were raised a beef,” and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he said, “and NOW you are a FISH!”

You can take the boy out of the Lutheran church, but you can’t take the Lutheran mindset out of the boy. Once a Lutheran, always a Lutheran. 

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